Guilt

8 Jan

For 3+ years now I’ve been harboring this guilt. I moderate my time at home with Sean so that I spend as much time at home and with my family was possible. Countless (probably thousands) of times I’ve told him that I shouldn’t hang out, or come over, or go to some party because I felt I should be at home when I’m home from college. I rationed that I spent time with him at school so I shouldn’t in NJ. Last night, my Mom questioned why I was home when I was supposed to be over at Sean’s watching a movie. I finally revealed my guilt. Now, I find it overwhelmingly awful that I’ve been doing that to myself for year! I told Sean this morning and he was not surprised. It’s what he’s been telling my for years now. UGH! He also mentioned another truth which is that I also used that guilt to get me out of some social situations that I was uncomfortable attending. Uncomfortable because I’m not an overall social person, not because they were bad situations. Wow.

It’s all true, of course. I spend most of my time doing what I think will make others happy and not looking out for my own best interests. I think in 2011 that needs to be a priority. I need to stop being a martyr and start communicating to other what I need and want. No one is going to thank me for the things I do and I don’t expect them too. Making myself happy first is the most important thing. It’s hard to even believe that after a lifetime of looking out for everyone else. I better start believing though or else the rest of my life will be filled with anger and resentment.

Heavy stuff for a Saturday morning, huh?

On the workout front, I attempted the ambitious feat of mixing in 5 miles of intervals (incl. warm-up and cool-down) into my P90x Chest & Back workout (with ab ripper). I definitely didn’t succeed but I did my best. I completed 3 miles in 28:37 and 1 complete round of Chest/Back, plus about 1/2 of the ab ripper workout… about 50% overall. I would be disappointed but I was just feeling hungry, a little shaky, and tired this morning.

To be SUPER cheesy and Tony Horton-like, “I did my best, now forget the rest.” *groan* 😉

I’m off to get some more coffee and window shop a little… doing 2 things that make me happy this morning.

thanks for listening,

Jul

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